Rainbow Pie

I have a complex identity, first of all I was born in China, I spent more than 20 years in China, my native language is Chinese, I received a communist controlled education, and only because of a domino effect triggered by an accident did I come to Europe to go to university.

In 2015 I first learned about the June 4 incident when I was 14 years old and when I learned that the government of my country used tanks against unarmed My faith was destroyed when I learned that my country’s government had used tanks against unarmed students who were marching. The Chinese government blocked the event. I asked my peers and they knew nothing about such history.

I was so shocked that I felt I could no longer trust the government. Then I learned about the great famine that had occurred in China, the brutal political struggles, etc., which caused me to lose my trust in the world.

I felt ashamed of my identity as a Chinese when this country’s foreign policy became more and more aggressive, threatening to reunify Taiwan by force (actually aggression), when this country suppressed more and more resistance movements, and when even my friends were arrested.

I can imagine that some anti-war Russians feel at a loss for their homeland, and I often worry about how I will face my country if China invades Taiwan one day. Would I be overwhelmed with shame about it?

Because of the alarming historical tragedies that resulted from the pursuit of utopia (e.g., the Soviet Union, China, North Korea, Cambodia…), I have developed a strong belief in the defense of liberal democracy. Democracy is certainly not perfect, but it is the least bad political system.

And I think the European Union is a miraculous design that unites people who speak different languages in order to defend the common value stated in the Lisbon Declaration: human rights. Unlike the United States, where different states speak the same language, the European Union has so far had over twenty official languages, how incredible!

At the same time, the EU’s high standards of access to human rights and democracy have pushed some European countries to reform, such as abolishing the death penalty, protecting LGBT rights, defending the independence of the judiciary, etc. Italy’s civil union law for same-sex couples was made possible by pressure from the European Court of Human Rights. As a result, I also developed a strong desire to become a citizen of the European Union.

At the same time, living in Italy, I took the initiative to study Italian history and learned that the Italian republican system was actually given legitimacy through a referendum. I was greatly shocked and appreciated this practice of the people choosing the political system, because although the Chinese Communist Party claims that the people chose the Communist Party as the one party in power, they never dared to open elections.

I learned about the tragic stories of the former Italian Prime Minister who was assassinated by the Mafia or the Red Brigade, the President of the Sicily Region, the Vatican girl, the MPs who opposed Mussolini, etc. I increasingly wanted to defend the Italian republican system against Fascism.

Yet because Italy is now ruled by the right wing, I am again ashamed of my Italian identity. The Prime Minister’s silence on the deaths of immigrants shocks me with the callousness of the right and makes me ashamed to be Italian. However, if one day same-sex marriage is legalized in Italy and a politician with a humanitarian spirit like the president is elected prime minister, I might be willing to become an Italian again.

I also appreciate the role of NATO in defending peace in Europe, and as an Atlanticist and a European federalist, I always want to be loyal to the values I defend. If Italy, the European Union, and the United States were still committed to defending human rights, I would also have an identity with these countries.

These complex emotions make me understand that it is not a national or ethnic identity that I cherish, but an identification with values.

The only things I miss are Chinese food and Chinese language, my friends in China, and the pleasant climate, which I guess is what ties me to my Chinese identity.

Instead, I identified with Taiwan (Republic of China) and learned that the Communists actually overthrew the ROC government in the civil war, and that Taiwan has now become a very successful liberal democracy, and I especially wanted to become a Taiwanese…