Rainbow Pie

抑郁又来了。这几天，抑郁与以往有所不同。除了感觉到对现实存在的压力的恐惧、想要逃避、深刻的无意义，还感觉到一种很浓郁的悲伤。说明我对世界上存在着的一些东西产生了依恋。我又想结束自己的生命了，但我会对我自己的自杀产生深刻的悲哀。这种悲痛阻止着我，使我迟迟不付诸行动。

Depression is back. These days, depression is different from the past. In addition to feeling fear of the stress of the reality of existence, the desire to escape, and profound meaninglessness, there is also a very strong feeling of sadness. It means that I have become attached to something that exists in the world. I would want to end my life again, but I would have profound grief for my own suicide. This grief stops me and makes me delay putting it into action.

周期性的抑郁，想要结束生命，已经变成常态。我仍然在尝试接受这个事实发生在我的身上。我今天才刚刚自费打了两针疫苗，手臂很痛。我常常对自己开玩笑，生的欲望和畏惧病痛的欲望是如此强烈，以至于我千方百计给自己接种许多疫苗，接受许多检查，按时吃药。抑郁到来时，那种拒绝痛苦、拒绝无意义、拒绝消沉的欲望又是如此强烈，以至于我想要取消自己的存在。

Periodic depression and wanting to end my life has become the norm. I am still trying to come to terms with the fact that this is happening to me. I just got two vaccinations today at my own expense and my arm hurts. I often joke to myself that the desire to live and the fear of illness is so strong that I do everything I can to give myself many vaccinations, undergo many tests, and take my medications on time. When depression comes, the desire to refuse to suffer, to be meaningless, to be depressed is so strong that I want to cancel my existence.

我经常感觉到如此的困惑，上帝为什么要创造世界，创造杀戮、战争、酷刑、死亡、意外怀孕、车祸？上帝如果仁慈，怎么会放任痛苦肆意生长？世人都有一种被造物主抛弃了的感受。我一直没有办法给叔本华的命题一个合理的解答。我所能做的不过是安慰自己，尽管每天都有那么多生命死亡，但一个生命只能死一次。可是一次死亡对一个生命已经是终结了。止痛药和避孕药是最渎神的发明，是人类用理性向命运抗争的证明。我感谢科学家们。

I often feel so confused as to why God created the world, created killing, war, torture, death, unplanned pregnancies, car accidents? If God is merciful, how could He let suffering grow unchecked? The world has a feeling of having been abandoned by the Creator. I have not been able to give a reasonable answer to Schopenhauer’s proposition. All I could do was to console myself that, despite the fact that so many lives die every day, a life can only die once. But one death is already the end of a life. Painkillers and birth control pills are the most blasphemous inventions, a testament to man’s struggle with reason against fate. I thank the scientists.

深刻的悲伤。从某种意义上我已经爱上了这个世界。尽管如今抑郁的时候我什么都感觉不到，我对美食和花花草草乃至性爱都没有感觉。但是我仍然能够很模糊地记忆得到，如今我不抑郁的时候，每一株鲜花、香甜的空气、冲向高潮的性爱、饱足的食物，这些生命的礼物所带给我的丰盛感。我留恋这种丰盛感，只是对抑郁时的麻木感到无动于衷。

Profound sadness. In a sense I have fallen in love with the world. Although I can’t feel anything when I’m depressed , I don’t feel anything about food or flowers or even sex. But I can still vaguely remember the richness of every flower, sweet air, orgasmic sex, and satiating food, the gifts of life, when I am not depressed today. I retain this sense of abundance, but I just feel indifferent to the numbness I felt when I was depressed.