Rainbow Pie

I received in the mail a $60 Canadian dollar manuscript fee. Getting paid for a manuscript has always been one of the greatest recognitions for a writer. Because my writing doesn’t pander to kitsch or self-promotion, and is generally not accepted in the Chinese-speaking milieu for ideological reasons, I’ve received less than 2,000 euros in appreciation from readers in my career of writing independently, mainly in my blogs, which began in 2017.

I used to think about making a living as a writer when I was in high school. Yet even Albert Camus needed to work as a journalist and bought a house in Lulmaland only after receiving the Nobel Prize money. Only this year’s Nobel Laureate in Literature, Fosse, who received the Norwegian National Fund for Literature after his success, doesn’t have to worry about making a living.

The Outsiders has always been my favorite novel, Education is my favorite work of non-fiction, and The Good Angels of Humanity is a great piece of work to combat political depression and short-term pessimism. in 2018 I received my first yuan fee (about 300 euros), and this year I received my first US dollar (about 150 euros) and Canadian dollar fees, both for writing in Chinese. The Chinese Communist Party has corrupted the Chinese language, and as a native Chinese-speaking writer, I have given myself the mission of confronting the new words produced by totalitarianism.

If you live in a non-liberal democracy and especially a totalitarian country, it’s hard not to relate your work to politics. Totalitarianism of the Stalinist, Maoist, and North Korean type politicizes everything; post-totalitarianism of the Havelian type depoliticizes everything. The consequence of the domination of politics over social life and even the invasion of private life is to make the elephant in the room go deeper into the cells, nerves, texture and breath.

In the present and in many previous eras, there are many people who may have joined the revolution with a passion for politics, or who may have chosen cynicism with disillusionment with politics.

As an establishment reformer in the camp of liberal democracy, I choose this route of political participation which cannot see great results in a short period of time. Those with fierce dissatisfaction with the current social structure are full of fighting spirit and criticize the slow action of establishment workers, and those who deny the existing order think that all establishment workers are one and the same. And anarchists are immersed in the work of building small worlds. For people like us who want to make the big world a better place, an idealism that holds fast to values, and patience, and pragmatism under viable strategies, is essential.

Being on the downside of a period of history, political work is fraught with stress. Sometimes, political workers take on the role of tragic heroes in a “liberal democracy must fail” campaign. However, from Xu Zhiyong and Ding Jiaxi, I read a strong and resilient optimism and self-confidence that is strong enough to overcome torture, humiliation and imprisonment. From Liu Xiaobo, I read about the noble spirit of civil disobedience. This “self-sacrificing” spirit, which believes that even though our generation is bound to fail, we must still work hard to keep the hope of the next generation’s success alive, exists like a torch in the dark night of human rights work, illuminating the path of those who suffer from loneliness.

Apart from my few Chinese readers and friends who are political dissidents and human rights defenders, I have been little known as a member of Independent Chinese PEN, an affiliate of PEN International, of which Liu Xiaobo, China’s first Nobel Peace Prize winner in 2010, is a founder. More than half of PEN’s members have been in prison. The first time I was warned by China’s state security police, dragged to the police station with my family, and invited to dinner by the state security police as a stabilization figure, I joined PEN after being introduced to it by two PEN members when I was seventeen years old, the year after I started writing independently. In recent years PEN’s reputation has been damaged by some of its Trumpist members. I encourage myself with the language of the Republic of China (Taiwan), which is “caution and fear,” “caution and patience,” and “dignity and self-improvement,” to stay calm in the face of change.

To be honest, since I have not published my works in any authoritative journals or published my works, not even a self-edited collection of my works, and I have often deleted my past works, I have always felt ashamed to call myself a writer. Now I know this is part of my CPTSD symptoms. The lack of recognition from the literary world also tends to create a mentality of saying grapes are sour when you can’t eat them. I’ve always had an urge to write fiction.

With the exception of poetry, plays and lyrics, for non-essay, non-essay, non-argumentative, non-academic, non-journalistic, non-investigative reporting, non-research findings writing, for storytelling, there has been a battle between two lines of thought regarding fiction and non-fiction works. Living in a totalitarian state, or if one is sensitive enough as a person, or has a unique professional identity, for one’s own life and the lives of others, nonfiction writing is enough to create drama, a castle on the ground. Yet fiction is capable of building a labyrinth in the air, and readers and writers can use the castle on earth as a starting point for an unfailing Tower of Babel between the labyrinth and the castle.

In the spring of 2021, I kept saying to Huang Xueqin, “Misunderstanding is inevitable, understanding is possible”. Differences in ideologies and life backgrounds lead to gaps between people and groups. Literature can focus on a particular piece of diversity, or it can “unite in diversity”. In short, I will endeavor to bring the unique story of human rights defenders in China, as well as the universal story of human rights defenders in totalitarian and authoritarian states.

Although I have always been ashamed of calling myself a writer, I have never given up the dream of being a writer. Every year, the Nobel Prizes I pay most attention to are the Literature Prize and the Peace Prize, before the Physics Prize and the Medicine Prize. Yet I recognize that all forms of wisdom appeal to me. It is the most unique aspect of being human. It is the blessing that the Creator has given to our species.

Last year, because of the Italian elections, I joined the Democratic Party and Più Europa, and this year, after joining Volt Europa, I became active in European politics. It was politics that made me fundamentally identify as a European. I am an exile from a totalitarian country who now lives in the land of freedom and democracy. My goal, apart from making people more aware of the details of totalitarian life and the logic of politics, is to make people aware of the diversity within liberal democracy, as well as to promote a grand international liberal democratic alliance, “united in diversity”, to fight against the external threat from totalitarianism and the internal threat from populism.

I also hope that my actions will encourage human rights defenders who are still doing high-risk work in totalitarian and authoritarian countries like China and Russia, and I hope to be able to help in any way I can. For me, exile is by no means the end of political life, but it is about running for the freedom of another country, the freedom of my homeland and the freedom of the world in a free other country. This is my goal as a political activist.

06/10/2023, in Athens